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Mission Statement

In May, I was diagnosed with a brain disease called Borderline Personality Disorder.  This disease causes seizures in the libmic system, which throw off primal instincts, and emotions.

For most of my life, I have struggles with personal relationships, self esteem, and thoughts of suicide.  More often than not, I felt that there were two of me.  One who was rational, kind, intelligent, and beautiful in her own way.  The other was a raging, anxiety filled, depressed, manipulative girl- and when she was around, I couldn't control her.

This concept was hard for people to grasp.  Most people, who are in control of their actions and emotions, can't understand what it is to not be in control of themselves.  Its a hard concept to convey... but, its the truth.  Not unlike a multiple personality disorder, there were two of me.  The real me, who I could control, and the other me, who I could not control.  The only difference being, I knew the other one existed.

People with borderline personality disorder often fall into something called "dysphoria".  According to wikipedia.org,
"Dysphoria (from Greek (dysphoros), from -, difficult, and , to bear) is generally characterized as an unpleasant or uncomfortable mood, such as sadness (depressed mood), anxiety, irritability, or restlessness.^[1] Etymologically, it is the opposite of euphoria .Dysphoria refers only to a condition of mood and may be experienced in response to ordinary life events, such as illness or grief. Additionally, it is a feature of many psychiatric disorders, including anxiety disorders and mood disorders. Dysphoria is usually experienced during depressive episodes, but in people with bipolar disorder, it may also be experienced during manic or hypomanic episodes.^[2] Dysphoria in the context of a mood disorder indicates a heightened risk of suicide."

Dysphoric experiences were my life.  Sometimes something would cause it to kick in, like feelings of abandonment, or having an argument with a loved one.  Sometimes however- I would just experience it for no reason, as if it just fell out of the sky, and there it was.  These are the times when "other me" would come around. 

To this day, I don't know how I lived through it.  Now, with seizure and mood control medicines, and self help training and siminars, I am able to create stability in myself, and I have 98% more control than I used to.  But I think back to the times that I had a fistful of vicodin and xanax- or a razor, or even just a car... and I didnt do it.  I really am so amazed that I am still here.  Everyday is like a gift- as cheesy as that is.  But I wake up each morning with a new outlook on life... here is a new beautiful day, and I am in control.

I am going to use this forum as a place to talk about the journey- living with Borderline Personality Disorder.  Where I've been, where I'm going- and how I cope day to day.  It will be well worth it if I can help even just one person make it through- and know that someone else out there gets it.  Someone believes that you are not in control, and hurting more than anyone could ever put into simple words.

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